L'équilibre/ Finding Balance

Pour faire suite à notre premier épisode qui portait sur la recherche du bien-être suite à la transition à la vie adulte, cette fois-ci c’est au tour de Annie et de Janis de nous parler de  l’équilibre dans la vie adulte et des défis que cela peut représenter – le fameux metro-boulot-dodo mais aussi, entres-autres famille-Santé et loisirs, le tout. Au fils de l’épisode Annie et Janis tissent un lien clair entre les défis qu’elles ont vécus à l’enfance, les apprentissages et les outils qu’elles ont su développer ainsi que leur adaptation face à l’adversité en bas âge. Mur de réflexions pertientes pour les professionnels et les auditeurs en générale, il est ici question de fines stratégies pour maintenir l’équilibre tout en souligant les dynamiques particulières de ce processus tel qu’il peut être vécu par d’anciens jeunes placés à l’âge adulte.

Cet épisode est en français. Je vous souhaite un bon épisode

 

For our second episode, our members Annie and Janis share some of the challenges they face in achieving balance in adulthood—the infamous 9 to 5 grind, all the while trying to juggle family, health, leisure, and everything else. Throughout the episode, Annie and Janis draw a clear link between the challenges they experienced in childhood, the lessons they learned and their adaptations in the face of adversity. Rich in content relevant to professionals and listeners generally, this episode discusses subtle strategies for maintaining balance while highlighting the particular dynamics and challenges of this process as it may be experienced by former youth in care.

This episode is in French. A translation of the full episode transcript is available on our podbean page:

https://gabriellechapdelaine.podbean.com/

We hope you enjoy listening to this episode as much as we enjoyed making it.

 

Transcript Translation:

Annie

Here we go. OK, ready. Hi, everyone. Today we're with Janis and Annie. We're going to talk about balance. So, let's start with the first question, which is, how do you define balance in your life?

Janis

For me, it's the key to happiness. It keeps me from going to extremes and gives me a certain amount of control over what's happening in my environment.

Annie

That's a very good answer. I would say that balance is found in all areas of our lives, whether it's family, sports, or work. I think you have to find a certain balance so you don't become, how can I put it, a workaholic, for example. Work takes up too much space and we don't have enough time to do other things. We have to find that balance to be mentally healthy. That's it. What helps you maintain balance, Janice?

Janis

One word: routine. For me, it's routine. Having a Google Calendar, always writing down what I have planned, what I have to do. I know it can be intense sometimes because it's always about preparation, always about the future, but at the same time, that's what allows me to stay in the present moment because I know what I have to do from week to week. It takes some of the pressure off. There's a kind of lightness after that. And also the fact that I went to school for a long time. I went all the way to university. So at some point, you have no choice but to be more organized, to make a schedule, a routine, and then stick to it to have a certain balance. Your classes mean you have a schedule to follow, and then you add sports into that. You see your family, your friends. It's like a good foundation for knowing where you're going.

Annie

But I agree that balance starts, I think, with school. We're in school from age 5 until you decide to finish CEGEP or university. And of course, for me too, a planner is really important.

 

I still use the old-fashioned method, which is a paper planner. I prefer to write things down because it frees up my brain a little. It means I don't have to think all the time. I also had to start making to-do lists. I was fine with "today I'm going to do this and that..." Then I realized that making to-do lists stressed me out because I never got through them. And I realized that you never get through a to-do list. That's what a to-do list is for. But I've come up with a new slogan recently, and it's called "Just for today." So, I make a to-do list, and it's just for today, I'm going to do that, and that's going to be it, my accomplishments. That way, I can find a certain balance, even at work. OK, today I did that. When I leave work, I leave work behind, and tonight I focus on my family, my hobbies, my passions, and my son too, because he takes up a lot of space. That way, we find a certain balance in a life that moves very quickly. We don't live life at a thousand miles an hour every day, but we try to find balance in it.

Janis

So for you too, it's a bit about organization?

Annie

Well, it's really part of my life. If I don't have organization, I'd be a little lost, but it's not a big deal either. If, say, we said to Laurent, "Hey, we want to do this or that," and today we're not doing it, well, it's not a big deal. And I'm telling you, it's not a big deal, but in real life, it is a big deal. Every time, I'm like, "Oh, we didn't do this or that." But then, when I think about it, I'm like, "Oh yeah, it's not a big deal, today I accomplished at least this one thing, and tomorrow there will be another accomplishment, and it's not a big deal." Yeah, but it's okay, it's like letting go and seeing what you've accomplished and not what you haven't done. That's right, but it's a daily struggle in my life to let go of that kind of thing.

Janis

Absolutely, I think it's something a lot of people have to work on.

Anie

Yes, definitely. Next question. To maintain balance, we engage in activities such as sports, dance, or other pursuits. What has been most helpful to you in your journey toward balance?

 

Janis

Well, when I was in high school, I was in the dance program. So I was introduced to dance at a very young age. I often performed in shows and learned all kinds of dance styles. I did Afro, belly dancing, Latin dances. And it seems like that developed my sense of rhythm. It also helped me develop a good relationship with my body. You know, feeling more confident when I dance, liking my body more, well, that made me... Can we cut that? That made me... I would say that I've been dancing since I was a little girl. It's always been a part of my life. I started ballet when I was 5. After that, in high school, I focused on dance. Then when I was in college, I was in a Latin dance troupe. Then I did a show. And throughout it all, I realized that I had developed more self-confidence. I had a positive perception of my body because I liked how I moved. It also helps you connect with people, you know, you have dance partners, you discover new cultures because I did Latin dance, Afro dance, belly dancing. And then there's also the fact that I did a lot of weight training. And with weight training, you need to be a little disciplined because, okay, three times a week I'm going to the gym, and then you see the results as you go along. It takes a little time, but the fact that you see the changes in your body, the positive changes, gives you confidence, and it makes you want to go back and keep going. I like that, I like that. For me, personally, it's been in sports too, really. In high school, I enrolled in a sports program, with five or six physical education classes a week.

Annie

Sports help you maintain a certain balance, but above all, it's your mental health that comes into play. If you have good mental health, you're able to maintain a certain balance. For me, in sports, I would go to sports, and when I got into my sport, I would leave everything behind, whether it was problems or something else. I didn't think about my homework, I didn't think about what I had to do at home in the evening. I also think that sports helped me channel my frustration, whether it was playing soccer or thinking that the ball might be mean, but when you're frustrated, thinking that the ball is someone's head, it feels good to take out your frustration on the ball and not in real life. People don't know that. For me, the ball was like my mother. No one knows that. I know it. I play soccer with all my heart, and it's really perfect. It's been that way with soccer, hockey, and Zumba. I've always loved doing lots and lots of sports, and I still do today. I do them, but a little less with the routine of life.

 

Janis

But it's true, you were a Zumba instructor. I trained to become a Zumba instructor, but I never taught any classes because of the pandemic. So I haven't resumed that part of my life. Ah, so it's to be continued. To be continued, perhaps, in the coming years.

Annie

But that's interesting, it's a passion we have in common. Yes. Because we both love Zumba. Yes!

Janis

You even have a Zumba tattoo.

 

Annie

Yes! I have Zumba here. Having Zumba tattooed on my heart really helped me a lot, it freed me. Because when I went to my Zumba dance class, well, I went in and I lived the merengue to the fullest, and all the music that goes with it, but you know, I went in there and I lived like... It was a party. So it feels good to let go, even if... Everyone else is on the right and I'm on the left, it really doesn't matter.

Janis

Same thing for me, when I do my Zumba classes, I don't think about anything else. It's just the present moment. That's it. I just have fun.

Annie

Really, that's what's important, and that's what you need to take the time to do in life, which, once again, is moving too fast. Yeah, it helps to have balance. Balance! What about your passion, what helped you refocus? Hey, that's not the whole question. Do you have a passion that helped you refocus? Do you have a passion that helped you refocus?

Janis

Yes. It's very simple. It's two fairly minimalist things, I would say. Reading. I love to read, I love to immerse myself in another world and leave everything else behind.

 

I'm so stimulated, I just feel good when I read. It helps me refocus and really be present. Then there are also walks in nature or just walks along the water. It just makes me feel so good. I practice mindfulness, I'm in touch with nature. My five senses are stimulated. And I feel like I'm editing myself a little bit at the same time. It really does me good.

Annie

 Perfect. For me, I would say that a passion that helps me refocus is probably writing. I'm someone who writes a lot. And I think that sometimes I'm better at expressing myself in writing than in speech, even though I'm someone who talks a lot in everyday life. That's why I started my blog, and I try to publish a post once a month, but it's not always possible. That's right, it's not always possible, but we try to set ourselves small goals to achieve it. I would also say that I really enjoy photography. I think that in photography, you can capture moments, you can feel emotions through a photo, you can try to understand things. But I don't like staged photos. So, you know, I don't want to go and take photos... You know, I'll take family portraits, I'll take... But you know, if I take family portraits, it won't be "Strike a pose, I'm taking your picture," you know. We'll do an activity, we'll run around to take a picture. It has to be natural. Natural, because otherwise, if it's staged, you don't feel the emotion, you just see fake smiles, and fake smiles show up in photos.

Janis

You can feel it.

Annie

 You can feel it. So there you have it, those are my two little passions in life.

Janis

And by the way, you say you like to write, but I know you were thinking of writing a book too. How's that project coming along?

Annie

Right now, it's not concrete at all, it's in my head, it's in my notes on my phone, but it's really... that's why I started with the blog, thinking that I'll start by writing on the blog, and then we'll see how people respond to it.

That's a great idea, I hope it works out for you.

Annie

Yes, thank you very much! How did you learn to develop a certain balance between social skills and how did you learn to develop that social side, to express yourself better or interact with others?

Janis

 I don't know if it's a good thing, but I would say I'm a chameleon. I adapt a lot to my environment and to the people I live with on a daily basis. So I tend to pick up a little bit, not their habits, but how they interact, and adapt to them. So I'm someone who adapts a lot to others, and sometimes I forget myself a little bit in the process. But I still have my own personality and my own way of seeing things. It's just that, it seems like I'm more... I'm more... I'm more... Yeah, I'm more... I'm more analytical.

Annie

Ah, that's good, yes. Yes, that's true. Yes, I accept that answer.

Janis

And you, how have you developed?

Annie

I would say that, given my past, I was really someone who closed myself off from others. I was someone who didn't talk. I didn't talk, yes. That's surprising. Surprising, huh? But I really was someone who didn't talk. And every time someone asked me to do something, I did it without complaining, without trying to confront the person. Even if I didn't feel like it, I didn't do it. I did it, excuse me. And it was hard work. When I arrived at Luc and Pauline's house at the age of 10, well, clearly, it was something that needed to be worked on with me because I was going to get walked all over later on, and I wasn't going to be able to take my place in society. Then it really started at dinner time, we would sit around the table, we would eat dinner together because we always ate dinner as a family. Then, okay Annie, you're going to tell me about your day. But at first, I didn't know what to say.

 

At first, it was like, okay, we'll set a 30-second timer, and then you tell us about your day. Then, over time, I took my place around the table, and I was able to talk about my days. At first, it was like, I had lunch, I did a math exercise. It was that simple. But over time, I was able to add more details. This and that happened today. Then it took a whole year of working with Luc and Pauline. After a year, I was a completely different person. And you can see that today. I mean, today I give lectures, I speak in front of crowds, it doesn't bother me. Put me on a stage, let's go, I'll liven things up. It's part of my personality now, wanting to... well, not to be the show, but you know, I take up space in a room, and I know it. When I'm there, like, people know I'm there, and that's okay. But talking and expressing myself isn't something that bothers me now. But you know, if we went back a couple of years, I would be like... I'll never get there, I'll never give lectures in classrooms, I'll never speak in front of 1,000 people, there's no way I could do that. And today, people have to tell me, "Annie, stop talking for a minute, let the others talk," and it's okay, but I also like to add details. So sometimes my stories are long because I like to add details, like that the person was wearing a red sweater, but in reality, who cares? So it's okay. So you really experience the... It's like you're with me when I tell you my stories. So that's also something that... It's immersive.

Janis

Yeah, I like that. We have a beautiful story to tell. But I would say that, for me, the reason I'm more of a chameleon with people stems from my childhood. My mother was a very difficult person to live with. I had to put my needs aside to listen to hers and be there for her. That means you end up living more for others than for yourself. What also happened was that my mother isn't the most socially aware person; she doesn't have strong social skills to begin with. So I feel like I've educated myself throughout my life, since I didn't always have role models around me or people to inspire or guide me. So that also played a big, big part.

Annie

As two former foster kids, we're resilient, I think the word resilience is part of our journey. How did that word help you in your healing process? How were you able to leave your past behind, so to speak, or move forward in life?

Janis

It's been difficult, and I'm still working on it today. You know, it's not something you do overnight. But I would say to detach myself a little from my past. You know, to tell myself, okay, that's not who I am, but it's part of me, it's part of my past and what I've been through, but it's... Like you say sometimes, your past makes you who you are today, it's a bit like that. And therapy, well, therapy, because there are things I don't accept. And therapy is what helps me get through it.

Annie

That's for sure. Yes, therapy is really a key element in the healing process, I think. But sometimes it takes a while to understand that. You know, when I was 18, I was sure I had made peace with my past. I was at peace, I had accepted everything that had happened. Then, as the years went by, I realized that I still had wounds, but I didn't really understand the patterns I was repeating. And finally, I realized that it was at the age of 25 that I attempted suicide, that I tried to end it all, and then I went to the psychiatric ward of the hospital, and when I saw the others around me, I was like... "But why am I here? Why have I ended up here?" " Then when I went into the psychiatrist's office, I said, "I'm not going to stay here. I'm really going to get out of here and I'm really, really going to help myself." Then she was like, "OK, you're going to help yourself, you're going to surround yourself with the right people, etc." Then I was like, "Yes, yes, I'm really ready. " And of course, the medication helps a lot. For me, it's something that isn't emphasized enough. Antidepressants. I've been taking antidepressants for five years now, and it helps me have a certain balance in my life, because my brain wasn't providing the... it's not a toxin, but...

Janis

Dopamine?

Annie

Dopamine, it wasn't providing me with dopamine. Then, with my antidepressant, it helped me regain that balance that I had kind of lost, where I was confused, that's not it, where I was feeling down. So that really helped me. And then, from there, I decided to go to therapy. And that therapy really helped me a lot.

I went to therapy every week for two years. I went to a private therapist because if I had stayed in the public system, I might not have seen anyone to this day, but that's just how the system works. But it helped me accept that I had wounds that hadn't healed. We agree that we just put a bandage on it, but the scar wasn't officially healed. And it really... That therapy... Let me see, excuse me. It helped me open my eyes to things that I thought were normal to have experienced or to continue to accept. But in the end, I had the right to be angry, I had the right to be sad, but I wasn't experiencing those emotions. That's when it allowed me to take stock of that. Today, I am able to express my emotions more. I also try to be able to say, "Today, I'm not okay, and that's okay."

Today is a good day, and I'm going to be smiling, but if there's a day when I want to get up and I don't feel like smiling, I have the right to have those days too. My journey has led me to describe myself as a very resilient person, which is why I'm giving a talk today called "The Journey of a Resilient Person." Wow! You have friends and family around you. What role do they play in your balance? Do you have any interpersonal relationships that have been particularly supportive? That's a very long question, so let me start again. What role do the people around you play in your balance? Do you have any interpersonal relationships that have been particularly supportive in this process?

Janis

I understand the question. How should I answer? I think relationships are the foundation of balance. We need others to be happy. We are social creatures, so it's super important. I think my friendships are what really helped me get better, find balance in my life, and feel that my life had meaning. Because I still talk to my family, but they're not the people who are most present in my life. I'm less fortunate in that regard. Otherwise, there are also the people I've worked with, people on the committees I participate in, people I've met. All of these people play a certain role in my life and help me find balance and be positive every day.

Annie

That's beautiful! I would say that my circle of friends came together more around the end of elementary school, when I moved in with Luc and Pauline. Before that, I tried to see the friends I had. I moved around so much between families that friendships became very rare. Or else, the friendships I did have broke down because I moved to a different city or changed schools. So it was hard to have any kind of stability or , I think, in those relationships. Then when I arrived at Luc and Pauline's, I was finally placed with them for the most part. That also allowed me to go to the same school from start to finish. I did middle school from 7th to 9th grade. I finished elementary school in a school from 5th to 6th grade. I said it backwards, but I was able to find some balance. I still have friends from elementary school who are still my friends today as an adult. I remember, I have a friend from elementary school who is still in my life. We became friends because of some lion makeup. We dressed up for Halloween, and I went to her house so we could do our makeup. We were so proud of that makeup. Today, we laugh about it because it was awful, but... It's one of the relationships I'm proud to talk about today. I have a friend from elementary school who is still there. Many people still have childhood friends, but this person has been my childhood friend since forever. We've been friends since we were 10 years old. Today, I'm turning 30. It's been a couple of years. Friendships like that are rare. It hasn't always been a friendship where everything was "all good." We've had arguments, we stopped talking for a while, but we always came back. And again, the key to that is that we've always been able to communicate and tell each other the truth. That's where we find balance in our friendships because, as we grow up, we have friends, friends, friends. But you're not supposed to have 25,000 friends. You can count them on one hand, the real, true friends who will be there when things are going well, but who are also there when things aren't going well. And I've experienced that over the years, where I've removed... well, I haven't removed, but I've ended friendships because they had become toxic for me, and they brought me nothing but negativity. And today, I've decided to surround myself with good people, just people who are healthy in my mind.

Janis

Well, you did the right thing by cleaning house because sometimes I find it's not easy. Well, it's not easy because you tell yourself, "Oh well, I'll give them another chance," but in the end, it always comes back to the same pattern, and that's when you end up unhappy in the situation.

Annie

Also, as adults, we often take different paths. I still have friends from high school. I don't have 25 friends from high school yet. But in high school, we have too many friends, clearly. They're all our friends. But as we grow up, you know, that's how it is. We're able to say... to ourselves, well, that's my friend. And you know, I mean, I have two... I have a friend now who's from high school. And you know, she has two children.

I have my family life, she has her family life. We don't see each other often, but we talk almost every day through voice messages and Facebook. Then when we do see each other, it's like we saw each other yesterday. It's the same, it's fun. But that's how it is, adult life takes over at some point, and then you have to juggle friendships and that life. But that's where you have to find that balance, to say, "OK, now we're really going to plan this." And then, you know, we called it our "mom date," because we go out without the kids and without the young ones, but just finding the date was super complicated. Hockey games, there are... Well, I have dance classes at Matisse. We all have something, there are children's parties, so you have to try to find your place. So you book it in the calendar and you're like, let's go. So we're having dinner soon in the schedule.

 

Janis

But I think lifestyle plays a big role in friendships. You're a mom, you're busier than someone who doesn't have kids and just goes to work.

Annie

But of course we don't... it's not the same lifestyle when you become a mom. In the evening, you have obligations when you embark on the second digit, as they say. So, you know, I come home, I have to take care of the house, we make dinner, we get ready for bedtime, and that's how it is. So, you know, of course, in the evening, I can't say, "Oh, tonight, I feel like going out for a drink on the spur of the moment." ' No, that's it. My son is waiting for me at home, and so is my boyfriend, but in the sense that... It's more about organization and making decisions.

We decided to start a family together, and if I want to go out or my boyfriend wants to go out, we try to balance family life so that we can each have our own hobbies too. We need time alone and time as a couple, just as we need time with our friends. It's really important. One question: in life, we have ambitions and dreams. What are your dreams?

Janis

 I like that. I have several. I don't know if they'll all come true. But one of my dreams is to be an herbalist. An herbalist is basically someone who makes products from plants. So natural products, which can be cosmetics, anything related to the natural world. Essential oils, spices.

 

Then I'd like to have... Yes, my clinic, but also maybe something like the Maison de la Lavande. So one day, I'd like to have my own land with my own lavender field, sell my lavender products, and organize events. A bit like what they do, but a different version. I'd also like to do retreats at my Maison de Lavande. Retreats that are perhaps spiritual or... or that help you feel more in touch with yourself. And then another thing: I'd like to live in another country. Maybe in Europe. I don't know, like Italy or Spain or France. I'd like to be an expat and always live in the sun.

Annie

Wow. Those are beautiful dreams. It's crazy because living in another country is something I couldn't... I could travel, I love to travel, I really love it, I'd love to travel more. But I've been tossed around so much, like, that now I've found stability in my home, you know, I have my house. And moving makes me feel crazy anxious and stressed. I know that when I'm at home, I'm happy, I know I'm stable, I want to be at home. And yes, it's fun to go to a cottage, to go on a trip. But how much fun is it to come home, to your things, to your routine, to your stuff. It's something like, you know, that's it, I'm rooted. You know, my house, I don't want to move right now. If we change houses, it's because we have another project to build for ourselves. But right now, that's not the case. So, you know, probably, but I would say that my dreams have already come true. It was to start a family. I'm the mother of a 2-year-old boy. I have a partner whom I love very much. I've been able to find that balance in my life, to find a stable, healthy relationship. That was extremely important to me. I promised myself I would be in a loving relationship that would be good for me and not repeat the pattern of my parents.

As for my other dreams, I have many, but one of the dreams I would really like to achieve one day, if it happens, I don't know, but it would be to give back. I arrived at Lucky Pauline when I was 10 years old, and it has been my family ever since. I would love to give back by opening a foster home. But it's not something that will happen right away because I want to start my own family first, and finish it. Also, it's not something you can do alone. If I try to become a foster parent, the whole family has to be on board with the project. It's a really big undertaking.

My other project would be to publish my book one day. In my own words.

To publish something I've written and put it out there.

Janis

Those are such beautiful dreams.

Annie

I know. And of course, not all of them will come true. But I think dreams are meant to... Dreams are meant to be dreamed, yes.

Janis

Well said. But I would say that dreams help us set goals, set objectives, and then move forward and say, "Hey, I'm doing all this to get somewhere someday." Then every little accomplishment will help us achieve a dream or a goal we've set for ourselves someday. Yeah, it's motivating. It gives us a reason to exist, in a way.

Annie

Yeah, really. Have you found a balance between your family relationships and other aspects of your life?

Janis

To be honest, no. Because the relationship I have with my family is very complicated. They're not very present people. They're super nice, super educated, curious, interesting. But they're not present and they're not interested, it seems, in maintaining that connection, staying in touch, and really making an effort. So sometimes I feel like it's not mutual. And I don't know where I fit in there. How do I keep in touch with my family without always feeling like I'm the one who has to reach out to them, I'm the one who has to make the effort, I'm the one who has to show interest. But at the same time, my family is super important to me. Deep down, I wish it were different. I wish there were a balance, that I gave as much as they did, and they gave back to me. I wish it weren't always so complicated, and that I didn't have to think about it and get nostalgic, because when I think about my family, I get nostalgic. That's what's unfortunate.

Annie

Interesting. I would say that I've found a certain balance in my relationship. I've found a certain balance, but it's not always easy because we have our biological family, and then we have the family we have today, whom I really consider to be my family, who are like parents to me.

And it's them I'll turn to if there's anything. But it's always heartbreaking. And it's something that's hard to explain today, why there's this ambiguity of having my biological family and my foster family. But I think family is something important. But you have to know who you give that role of family to. But I think family is going to be a topic for another podcast. I think it could be a great podcast topic. But if we finish today with the topics we've discussed, which are all about balance in the different areas of our lives, what advice would you give to someone listening to us today?

Janis

I would say be organized. That's the basis. Then have ambitions and dreams. It helps you know what you want. And when you know what you want, it seems easier to be balanced because you know how to plan your life.

Annie

That's really good advice. But I think so, organization, if I had to tell someone, I think being organized helps. But also not putting too much pressure on yourself. Because yes, there are times in your life when you're going to be... when the balance is going to be perfect. Perfection doesn't exist, so the balance will be ideal, but I think it's okay that there are phases when it doesn't work, and you might do less sport, and you might want your family less, and things might not be going so well at work, but everything in life is cyclical, it will pass, and you just have to trust life, and it will help you find balance and be happy in life. See you next time!